I sit in my therapist’s chair almost every day, listening to incredible, capable women tell me they feel like frauds. They tell me they are exhausted from performing a role, like they walk onto a stage every morning, put on a costume of “competence” and “calm,” while backstage, everything is on fire.

And as I nod and validate their feelings, a quiet part of me is thinking: Me too.

I am a therapist who specializes in ADHD in women. I am also a woman with ADHD. I live in the unique intersection of knowing the clinical definitions of “masking” and knowing exactly what it feels like to cry in your car because you kept it together for eight hours straight and have nothing left.

High-masking is the reason so many of us fly under the radar for years. We get so good at hiding the struggle that even we start to doubt it’s there. Let’s talk about what this really looks like, from both sides of the couch.

What I Mean When I Say “High-Masking”

When I explain high-masking to my clients, I often use the “duck on a pond” analogy. On the surface, the duck looks serene, elegant, and totally in control. But underneath the water? Those little webbed feet are paddling furiously just to keep moving.

That is our reality.

High-masking is the subconscious (and sometimes conscious) effort to hide our neurodivergence to fit into a neurotypical world. It’s mimicking social cues, obsessively monitoring our own behaviour, and over-preparing for everything just to appear “normal.”

For women, the pressure is doubled. Society tells us we’re supposed to be the organized ones, the nurturers, the household managers. ADHD symptoms like forgetfulness or messiness feel like a moral failing. So, we compensate. We hide. We mask.

The Signs: Notes from My Office (and My Life)

High-masking is designed to be invisible, which makes it hard to spot. But whether I’m assessing a client or checking in with myself, these are the cracks in the armour I look for:

• The Perfectionism Trap:
  • The Therapist View: I see clients who don’t just want to do a good job; they need to be flawless to compensate for perceived deficits.
  • The Personal Reality: I will triple-check a simple email or over-prepare for a sessionfor hours because I am terrified that one slip-up will reveal me as a “disorganized mess.” Spoiler alert: they still end up seeing the mess eventually!
• The Social Hangover:
  • The Therapist View: Clients report crashing after social events. They can be the life of the party, but the effort of focusing and filtering takes a physical toll.
  • The Personal Reality: I love my friends, but after a get-together, I often need a full day of silence. “Acting normal” drains my battery completely.
• The Rigid Routine:
  • The Therapist View: Many women develop strict systems. To the world, they look hyper-organized.
  • The Personal Reality: My routine isn’t a preference; it’s a survival mechanism. If my keys aren’t on the exact same hook every day, and I don’t get at least an hour of quiet alone time in the morning, the whole house of cards tumbles down.

The Heavy Cost of Hiding

I often hear, “But isn’t it good that I’m coping? I’m functioning.”

I have to gently challenge this. Masking isn’t coping, it’s suppressing, and the physical and psychological toll is massive. This makes ADHD symptoms worse, thus increasing the pressure to mask even more. See where this is going?

When we spend our lives trying to be someone else, we lose touch with who we actually are. This breeds a profound sense of Impostor Syndrome. I see women winning awards at work or school while internally thinking, “If they only saw my laundry pile, they’d know I’m a fake.”

This disconnect creates anxiety and depression. It creates distance in relationships because we are too afraid to let even our romantic partners see the chaotic, authentic version of us. It is a lonely place to be—even for a therapist.

High-Masking vs. Low-Masking

It’s important to note that ADHD exists on a spectrum of presentation.

• Low-masking women might display their symptoms more openly—fidgeting, interrupting, or being visibly disorganized. They often face more external judgment.
• High-masking women face an internal battle. We look fine on the outside, but we are burning out on the inside.

Neither is “better.” Both are responses to a world that wasn’t built for our brains.

Dropping the Armour

If you see yourself in this post, take a deep breath. You are not broken. Unmasking is a slow process, but here is what I tell my clients, and what I have to remind myself every single day:

Validate Your Reality

Acknowledge that your struggle is real, even if no one else sees it. If you are overwhelmed, you are overwhelmed, even if you “look” calm. Trust your internal experience over your external presentation.

Find Your Safe Spaces

You don’t have to unmask for everyone immediately. Find the people who let you be messy. I have friends who know that if I interrupt them, it’s because I’m excited, not rude. Those relationships are my sanctuary.

Seek “Neuro-Affirming” Support

Whether it’s a therapist (hi!), a support group (hi again, I do that too!), or just other women you find throughout life who have ADHD, connecting with people who get it is life-changing. There is a specific kind of relief in realizing that your “weird quirks” are actually just common ADHD traits.

The Takeaway

We have spent enough time trying to twist ourselves into shapes that don’t fit.

The goal isn’t to become a perfect neurotypical woman. The goal is to understand our brains, accept our limits, and realize that we are worthy of love and respect, chaos and all.

Ready to put the mask down?

If you nodded your way through this post, you might be looking for a space where you don’t have to explain your brain. I specialize in helping women with ADHD navigate burnout, boundaries, and diagnosis.

You don’t have to do this alone anymore. Click here to book a free 20-minute consultation with me, and let’s see if we’re a good fit.